Finding Your Voice: Using Assertive Communication to Advocate for Yourself
As a mental health therapist who works with women, one theme I hear over and over is this:
“I know what I want… I just don’t know how to say it without feeling guilty, selfish, or afraid of conflict.”
Whether it’s in your relationship, at work, or with friends, many women struggle to speak up for themselves in ways that feel confident and respectful. Assertive communication is one of the most powerful tools we can develop—and it’s a skill that can be learned.
What Is Assertive Communication?
Assertive communication is the ability to express your thoughts, needs, and boundaries clearly and respectfully—without aggression and without passivity.
It’s the middle ground between saying “yes” to keep the peace (even when you mean “no”) and demanding what you want without regard for others. Assertiveness is about self-respect and mutual respect.
It might sound like:
“I need some time to think about that before giving you an answer.”
“I’d like to be included in those decisions moving forward.”
“It’s important to me that we split responsibilities more evenly at home.”
Assertive communication helps you express what you need, while creating space for connection, collaboration, and boundaries.
Why Is Assertiveness Hard for So Many Women?
Many women are raised to be accommodating, to avoid conflict, and to prioritize others' comfort above their own. We often internalize the belief that being “nice” means being agreeable, non-confrontational, and self-sacrificing.
But being agreeable at the expense of your emotional well-being isn’t kindness—it’s a slow erosion of your self-trust.
In therapy, I help clients identify where these patterns come from—whether through upbringing, workplace dynamics, or relational trauma—and begin building the confidence to speak up and advocate for themselves in a grounded, values-aligned way.
How Assertiveness Shows Up in Everyday Life
In Romantic Relationships
Scenario: Your partner routinely makes plans without checking in with you.
Passive response: “It’s fine, I’ll rearrange things.”
Aggressive response: “You never consider me!”
Assertive response: “I feel left out when plans are made without me. I’d appreciate us checking in before making weekend commitments.”
Assertive communication builds emotional intimacy and prevents resentment by encouraging transparency.
At Work
Scenario: You’re being asked to take on tasks outside your role without additional support.
Passive response: “Sure, I’ll get it done.”
Aggressive response: “This isn’t my job—do it yourself.”
Assertive response: “I’m at capacity right now. If this is a priority, can we talk about what I should pause or reassign?”
This kind of communication not only protects your time and energy—it positions you as someone who values quality, boundaries, and honest dialogue.
In his book Never Split the Difference, former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss discusses the power of tactical empathy and calibrated questions. One of his favorite tools is the phrase:
“How am I supposed to do that?”
This is a non-confrontational but firm way to push back and invite collaboration—especially helpful in professional environments.
With Friends
Scenario: A friend regularly cancels plans last minute.
Passive response: “No big deal.” (Even when it is.)
Aggressive response: “You clearly don’t value me.”
Assertive response: “I really value our time together, and I feel frustrated when plans change unexpectedly. Can we talk about a way to make plans that feel more respectful of both our time?”
Assertive communication with friends helps preserve connection while setting healthy expectations.
How to Practice Assertive Communication
Use “I” Statements
Express how you feel without blaming or accusing.
“I feel overwhelmed when plans change last-minute because I value structure. I’d like more advance notice.”
Stay Calm and Grounded
Assertiveness isn’t about raising your voice or dominating the conversation. It’s about clear, confident communication—even when emotions are running high.Set Boundaries Without Apologizing
You don’t need a 10-minute explanation.
“I won’t be able to take that on right now.”
You can be firm and kind at the same time.
Rehearse or Journal First
If a conversation feels difficult, write out what you want to say ahead of time. Role-play with a trusted friend or therapist.Be Willing to Discomfort for the Sake of Alignment
Standing up for yourself may feel uncomfortable, especially at first. But the more you practice, the more natural it becomes—and the more you’ll trust yourself in hard conversations.
Additional Resources to Support Assertiveness
If you want to strengthen your communication and boundary-setting skills, here are some excellent tools and resources:
Books:
Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss – A practical guide to negotiation that emphasizes empathy, emotional regulation, and asking the right questions.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab – A compassionate, no-nonsense look at how to identify and maintain healthy boundaries.
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown – Explores the power of authenticity, courage, and self-worth in our relationships.
Podcasts:
“We Can Do Hard Things” by Glennon Doyle – Honest conversations about boundaries, self-trust, and showing up as your full self.
“Therapy Chat” with Laura Reagan, LCSW-C – Explores mental health topics including communication, self-compassion, and assertiveness.
“On Purpose” with Jay Shetty – Conversations on emotional intelligence, clarity, and building confidence in your relationships.
Final Thoughts
You can be kind and assertive. You can be compassionate and clear. You can advocate for your needs without guilt or apology.
Learning to use your voice isn’t about being louder—it’s about being aligned with your values, your boundaries, and your self-worth.
If you’re ready to build your confidence, strengthen your communication, and live more authentically, therapy can be a powerful space to begin that work. At Climbing Hills Counseling, I help high-achieving women shed perfectionism, reconnect with their voice, and create boundaries that honor who they are.
You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to ask for what you need.
Let’s practice doing that—together.
Contact:
336-600-4455
lauren@climbinghillscounseling.com
