Sharing the Mental Load: Rebalancing Parenthood Together
One of the most common frustrations I hear from women in therapy—especially mothers—is this:
“I have to ask for everything.”
“Even when my partner helps, I’m still the one managing it all.”
“It’s not just about doing the chores—it’s about carrying the weight of remembering everything.”
This invisible burden has a name: the mental load.
And for many women, especially high-achievers who are juggling careers, relationships, and caregiving, the mental load becomes an exhausting, often unspoken source of stress.
What Is the Mental Load?
The mental load refers to the ongoing, behind-the-scenes cognitive and emotional work required to keep life running smoothly—especially in households with children. It’s not just the doing, but the thinking, planning, remembering, and anticipating.
Examples include:
Remembering the school picture day, dentist appointments, and birthday parties
Noticing when the milk is running low
Keeping track of immunization records, RSVPs, and homework assignments
Planning meals and knowing who likes what
Managing the emotional temperature of the household
Even in relationships where physical tasks are shared, this invisible labor often falls disproportionately on women. And it’s not just tiring—it can lead to resentment, burnout, and a deep sense of isolation.
How the Mental Load Shows Up in Parenting
Let’s look at a few real-life examples:
The Morning Routine
One parent dresses the kids, while the other packs lunches.
But only one of them remembered that today was field trip day, ensured the permission slip was signed, and packed the extra water bottle and sunscreen.
Managing Bedtime
One parent reads the bedtime story.
The other made sure pajamas were clean, the nightlight was fixed, and the stuffed animal wasn’t still in the car from earlier.
The partner who’s carrying the mental load isn’t just executing tasks—they’re anticipating needs before they’re spoken. And often, they feel alone in doing so.
How to Start Rebalancing the Mental Load
It’s not enough to ask your partner to “help more.” Sharing the mental load requires shared ownership, not just shared tasks.
Here’s how you can begin:
1. Name It
Start by bringing awareness to the issue without blame. Use language like:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed by managing everything behind the scenes. Can we talk about how to rebalance things?”
Books like Fair Play by Eve Rodsky offer a framework and language to help couples divide household responsibilities more equitably—based not just on time, but on full ownership of tasks from start to finish.
2. Move from Delegating to Ownership
When one partner is constantly delegating, they’re still managing. Instead of asking your partner to “help with the birthday party,” try:
“Could you take full responsibility for the birthday party? That includes the invites, food, setup, and cleanup.”
This shift creates real relief—not just task-based assistance.
3. Use Regular Check-Ins
A short weekly meeting can help redistribute responsibilities and keep communication open. Use this time to plan meals, discuss upcoming events, and reassess what’s working.
4. Let Go of Perfect
Perfectionism can sometimes prevent us from letting go of control. Ask yourself:
“Is it more important that it’s done my way, or that it’s shared fairly?”
Learning to tolerate differences in execution can be a powerful step toward equity and rest.
Resources to Go Deeper
These resources offer practical tools and perspectives for managing the mental load and creating more balanced partnerships:
Books
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky — A game-changing system for dividing invisible labor and reclaiming time and space for yourself.
Drop the Ball by Tiffany Dufu — A powerful memoir and guide on letting go of doing it all and redistributing responsibilities.
Fed Up by Gemma Hartley — An in-depth look at emotional labor and the toll it takes on women.
Podcasts
We Can Do Hard Things by Glennon Doyle – Conversations around marriage, caregiving, and rethinking traditional gender roles.
The Lazy Genius Podcast with Kendra Adachi – Encouragement and strategy for doing what matters and letting go of what doesn’t.
Fair Play Podcast with Eve Rodsky – Real couples navigating the distribution of household and emotional labor.
A Therapist’s Perspective
If you’re feeling frustrated, unseen, or exhausted by the mental load you carry, I want you to know: you’re not alone, and it’s not a personal failure.
Therapy can be a space to untangle resentment, rebuild communication, and move from silent suffering to collaborative solutions. Together, we can explore how early conditioning, perfectionism, or guilt may be contributing to the imbalance—and how to reclaim your time, energy, and mental space.
Final Thoughts
You deserve to rest. You deserve to be supported.
And you don’t have to carry the weight of your family’s world on your own.
Naming the mental load is the first step. Sharing it is the next.
Let’s talk about what balance could look like in your home.
Call: 336-600-4455
Email: lauren@climbinghillscounseling.com
Read more on the blog
